Contemplations of Leaving the Hmong Church
I’ve had many moments in my adult life where leaving the traditional Hmong church was a fantasy I wanted to make a reality. It was an easy thing to make a reality; submit my membership resignation, go preview different American churches in the local area, and choose the one that fits my theological beliefs, values, and convictions best. You see…it’s not easy belonging to a traditional Hmong church. Within the Hmong church, we not only face the loud gap between the generations of members, but we face our culture’s traditions squeezing itself at the seat of the Gospel table. These two major factors have caused a rift within the Hmong church that, essentially, unconsciously leaves the chapel doors wide open for members to walk out. Matter of fact, these doors swung open so wide, my husband and I even decided to make a three-year plan to serve in the church at leadership capacities that would enable us to be change agents to see newness before we made a final decision to resign at year three. However, in the second year of our plan, I personally have never wanted to leave the Hmong church so earnestly (2022). I found myself asking this question very often, am I going to Church or am I going to a community gathering? I felt defeated from seeing traditions upstage the Word of God, the silencing of my voice and others, and the spiritual lethargy of the Body of Christ. I was (and am still) repressed by the weight of the church’s resounding void of spiritual desire to be faithful custodians of the name of Christ. I am sure many of my friends, family, and the young people in the Hmong church can understand a piece of my heart regarding my contemplations of leaving the church.
But there was always this inkling of a tug pulling my heart to remain in the Hmong church in a place of defeat. The Lord always always led me to this passage in Acts 18,
9 And the Lord said to Paul one night in a vision, “Do not be afraid, but go on speaking and do not be silent, 10 for I am with you, and no one will attack you to harm you, for I have many in this city who are my people.”
No matter how defeated Paul felt and how much he wanted to leave Corinth, there was one and only one truth to his situation. And it is that God knows who he has called to be his children despite the people and how difficult the mission may seem. I reminisce about the young days of my local Hmong church and I vividly see the faces that have come and gone; I see so clearly those that still remain, and in the stillness of this memory I see the faces of those who God may still be calling. God humbled me quickly and revealed the sins that have been cooped up and hidden behind my bitterness. Who am I but a broken clay vessel that he would use for the purpose of restoring his creation to glory?
I find myself sitting in my own pride reflecting on the three-year plan my husband and I agreed to. What does it mean to truly love the Church? My husband and I were only loving ourselves when we made the ultimatum to leave if things did not change after three years. We said in our hearts to God, “Lord, we don’t love this church, we will leave if you do not change it through us.” We no longer looked forward to God’s plan—to trust in his work and see what he is creating within the Hmong church for his glory. My convictions from God became a way to convince myself of the strategy that I know now was not from God. As Mrs. Jackie Hill Perry said at her Glory Conference, “We get into a mess when we try to strategize God’s purpose.” I have come to the fork in the road where I want a love so deep for God that it doesn’t matter how broken the church is, how “lowly” the work is, nor how many people show up. All that matters is my worship between me and God—nothing else matters. All I see is him in the midst of my servitude–he is all that matters.
I recognize that my contemplations may not align with everyone’s calling to the Church, and that is okay. Our God places us in different settings for the redemption of his children. If you are thinking of leaving the Hmong Church, my prayer is that you will be still and lean on God to carry you to the road you are assuredly called for.
CY